Blog #12
Earlier this week,
9:26pm
Ring-Ring-Ring
Morty groggily picks up the phone “Hello? All Morty, All the Time, Talk to me” (btw, this is actually how I answer my phone at work as well)
“Good evening sir, I’d like to talk about Obama”
“Oprah?”
“No sir, Obama, Barrack Obama”
“Oprah’s out back? What are you talking about?”
“Ummm, no sir, Senator Barrack Obama , he’s ….running for president?”
“ Well, I know that!” (I put on my foghorn leghorn accent) I say, I say, every school child knows Barack Obama is running for the Presidency of these here United states, what I want to know is where is Oprah and what is she doing at the outback?
“Sir?”
“Yes, That’s right, I’m a man” Do I sound a bit womanly to you?” “ People have told me that when I’m on the phone I sound a little bit like that woman on the old tv show Maude which I would think would make me sound even more dudeish ….where were we?”
“ Uh, yes sir, we just wanted to see how you stand with the upcoming elections”
“Well, I put the phone down on the counter and stand straight up, yelling down to the receiver “I’m planning on standing like this” I turn a half turn “or maybe something like this” “I could do the little teapot dance …..this is my handle and this is my spout…”
I pick up the phone, you still there?
Dial Tone…….guess I’ll never know if Oprah got the bloomin onion at the Outback or not.
I can’t wait for the McCainasaurus to call me…no really it actually is McCain making the calls!
Morty
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
six foot penguins and The kneebutt zone.
Blog #11
Driving past the high school I would swear that I just saw 8 or 9 six foot penguins!
Please allow me to explain that….no, ok then I just go ahead and sum up. TC Williams high school is one of the larger high schools in Northern Virginia and it’s a predominantly school of mix race, color, creed, money, and apparently fashion. Well last Wednesday which was yesterday I took off of work early to see my doctor…..no, I’m not Pregnant, Thank god!, I’m just chunky…and a guy. Anywho, back to my queer eye moment, well apparently I was driving past the school and waiting for a light right when school had let out so I had to wait for the little younglings to cross. So I’m sitting there and walking past me is the complete history of high school fashion…abridged! We had the chick-a-dees with their teased hair and scrunchies followed by the buff chicks with the body ink. Then came nerdy looking guys with their cool sci-fi shirts practicing how to say “can I touch your boob” in Klingon followed by some of the jocks with their hands grasping firmly the buttocks of the young ladies (dey be skanks) that accompanied them.
Then we had the regular Joes and their girlfr…bff’s followed by the penguins, seriously they looked like penguins! It was a group of guy students all different races with the same dress code Black jeans pulled way down off their butts (why they don’t slip all the way down I’ll never know!) Twilight zone music begins to play….
Out walks Rod Serling, or actually my impersonation of Rod Serling:
“Imagine if you will”
“A place so devious that the teenagers themselves must all have secondary butts located on the back of their knees…. just to keep their pants from falling off”
“You’ve entered…..The KneeButt Zone”
Music crescendos’ and Rod walks off…
And we’re back,
So these young men are wearing very low riding black jeans, very long white T shirts with a black baseball cap on top.
It was quite funny because when they all started to cross the street the light was on their side but since they needed to take baby steps on account of their muffins hanging out they ran out of time and since I like a good show I honked at them and after giving me the finger and some dirty looks they all started running across the street which looked like they were really waddling hence the penguin reference….I’ll have to go back and see them in their native habitat, chuckee-cheeze
On a side note my spell checker keeps wanting to change the word Klingon to Clinton…..Now the truth comes out!
Gotta run!
Morty
Driving past the high school I would swear that I just saw 8 or 9 six foot penguins!
Please allow me to explain that….no, ok then I just go ahead and sum up. TC Williams high school is one of the larger high schools in Northern Virginia and it’s a predominantly school of mix race, color, creed, money, and apparently fashion. Well last Wednesday which was yesterday I took off of work early to see my doctor…..no, I’m not Pregnant, Thank god!, I’m just chunky…and a guy. Anywho, back to my queer eye moment, well apparently I was driving past the school and waiting for a light right when school had let out so I had to wait for the little younglings to cross. So I’m sitting there and walking past me is the complete history of high school fashion…abridged! We had the chick-a-dees with their teased hair and scrunchies followed by the buff chicks with the body ink. Then came nerdy looking guys with their cool sci-fi shirts practicing how to say “can I touch your boob” in Klingon followed by some of the jocks with their hands grasping firmly the buttocks of the young ladies (dey be skanks) that accompanied them.
Then we had the regular Joes and their girlfr…bff’s followed by the penguins, seriously they looked like penguins! It was a group of guy students all different races with the same dress code Black jeans pulled way down off their butts (why they don’t slip all the way down I’ll never know!) Twilight zone music begins to play….
Out walks Rod Serling, or actually my impersonation of Rod Serling:
“Imagine if you will”
“A place so devious that the teenagers themselves must all have secondary butts located on the back of their knees…. just to keep their pants from falling off”
“You’ve entered…..The KneeButt Zone”
Music crescendos’ and Rod walks off…
And we’re back,
So these young men are wearing very low riding black jeans, very long white T shirts with a black baseball cap on top.
It was quite funny because when they all started to cross the street the light was on their side but since they needed to take baby steps on account of their muffins hanging out they ran out of time and since I like a good show I honked at them and after giving me the finger and some dirty looks they all started running across the street which looked like they were really waddling hence the penguin reference….I’ll have to go back and see them in their native habitat, chuckee-cheeze
On a side note my spell checker keeps wanting to change the word Klingon to Clinton…..Now the truth comes out!
Gotta run!
Morty
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Derby time, debates and Hot Skater Dumplings!
Blog #10
“The joint is Jumpin. The wheels are Pumpin” And they’re off! The DC Demoncats are going up against the Cherry Blossom Bombshells and the Armory is rockin’ one hour before that , my stomach was rockin’ so a burger and fries were in order from Spikes place and then over to the Armory for some hard hitting fun!
It’s been about a month since the last time I saw my girls bout and when I say girls I’m referring to the Swedish translation of Girl which is “An educated woman of high moral values with a propensity to excel in sports” …..or hot skater dumplings you’re choice. I love watching DC Rollergirls It’s like a club or even more so like a family. The girls are all friends with each other until the second whistle blows then its clobberin’ time J I’ve got a couple favorite skaters that I like to watch Kimono Dragon being one of them She is so sweet in person, yet on the track she’s a force to be reckoned with! Also Camilla the Hun although she skates for the DC Demoncats she is faster then a fat man at a Denny’s sausage bar…..mmmmm sausage…… The bouts are 2-30 minute long gladiator matches ummmm, It’s like the last scene in Ben-Hur when Charlton Heston is riding in the chariot in the oval shaped arena to the shouts and cheers of thousands. Same thing at Roller Derby but imagine that the chariots were replaced with high end quad skates and Charlton is wearing fishnets
In the end My Cherry Blossom Bombshells paper trained the kitties and then everyone went to the after party except me…I’m not really a big people person
No, really I’m not, too much work to get done at the house.
Oh, you know I wanted to mention one last thing about the past debates and I say this because I was a geeky guy who was on the debating team in college…. (I know, Dork alert, I’ll give myself a wedgie in a minute) We actually had to practice speaking in front of crowds and just the general masses whenever possible which I did find nerve wracking after a bit until I learned to calm myself down and just enjoy Mass Debating
(nyuk-nyuk-nyuk dork humor) If you didn’t get it then read the last line again
I gotta run, next time why don’t we chat on was-bunds and hickies.
Morty
“The joint is Jumpin. The wheels are Pumpin” And they’re off! The DC Demoncats are going up against the Cherry Blossom Bombshells and the Armory is rockin’ one hour before that , my stomach was rockin’ so a burger and fries were in order from Spikes place and then over to the Armory for some hard hitting fun!
It’s been about a month since the last time I saw my girls bout and when I say girls I’m referring to the Swedish translation of Girl which is “An educated woman of high moral values with a propensity to excel in sports” …..or hot skater dumplings you’re choice. I love watching DC Rollergirls It’s like a club or even more so like a family. The girls are all friends with each other until the second whistle blows then its clobberin’ time J I’ve got a couple favorite skaters that I like to watch Kimono Dragon being one of them She is so sweet in person, yet on the track she’s a force to be reckoned with! Also Camilla the Hun although she skates for the DC Demoncats she is faster then a fat man at a Denny’s sausage bar…..mmmmm sausage…… The bouts are 2-30 minute long gladiator matches ummmm, It’s like the last scene in Ben-Hur when Charlton Heston is riding in the chariot in the oval shaped arena to the shouts and cheers of thousands. Same thing at Roller Derby but imagine that the chariots were replaced with high end quad skates and Charlton is wearing fishnets
In the end My Cherry Blossom Bombshells paper trained the kitties and then everyone went to the after party except me…I’m not really a big people person
No, really I’m not, too much work to get done at the house.
Oh, you know I wanted to mention one last thing about the past debates and I say this because I was a geeky guy who was on the debating team in college…. (I know, Dork alert, I’ll give myself a wedgie in a minute) We actually had to practice speaking in front of crowds and just the general masses whenever possible which I did find nerve wracking after a bit until I learned to calm myself down and just enjoy Mass Debating
(nyuk-nyuk-nyuk dork humor) If you didn’t get it then read the last line again
I gotta run, next time why don’t we chat on was-bunds and hickies.
Morty
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Joe Biden = nice tie, Sarah Palin = has breasts...decisions, decisions.
Blog #9
Holy Canoli did you see Mrs. Lisner on the television the other night? No? Who’s Mrs. Lisner? Mrs. Lisner was my 5th grade teacher growing up and to me she is a hottie! Now why is she standing by some podium talking to either Statler or Waldorf from the Muppet show?
Ok so for those who do not know we had vice presidential debates the other night between the hottie and the nottie . I actually recorded them and finally got to watch them last night....I’m very astute about these things; here is what I’ve learned about our two candidates (just in case you are wondering)
Joe Biden:
Tall (Herman Munster height)
Rambles on
Always squints like he’s sitting on the can or something…
Nice tie.
Sarah Palin:
Tina Fey plays her better.
Hockey mom,Yet still has all her teeth.
Looks like Mrs. Lisner
Talks like the sheriff in the movie Fargo yea, ya betcha I do!
Has breasts.
Well now you know who I’m voting for…well actually I am still undecided to go with the team of Captain squinty eyes and the guy that does the voiceovers for Colt 45 Malt Liquor or the Mccain-a-saurus who actually signed the declaration of independence and his running mate Skin-a-max librarian Hot Sarah….decisions will need to be made I suggest that we just call up England and tell them that we were just kidding about that whole independence thing and could we come over for a tic….
Anyway I promise not to hack the voting machines when it’s time to vote….I was actually thinking of bringing a micro recorder of shower sounds and wear shorts under my pants and sneak in a towel and a loofer sponge so when I go into the voting booth and close the half height curtain behind me I’d turn on my shower sounds take off the pants and throw the towel over the top of the curtain and start singing my shower songs…..just to mess with the other voters.
Last time I voted As soon as I closed the curtain I said in a loud voice “Forgive me Father. For I have Sinned, it’s been 20 years since my last Confession…..Father? Father? Father O’Malley Are you there?
And on we roll……
It’s good to be the Morty
Holy Canoli did you see Mrs. Lisner on the television the other night? No? Who’s Mrs. Lisner? Mrs. Lisner was my 5th grade teacher growing up and to me she is a hottie! Now why is she standing by some podium talking to either Statler or Waldorf from the Muppet show?
Ok so for those who do not know we had vice presidential debates the other night between the hottie and the nottie . I actually recorded them and finally got to watch them last night....I’m very astute about these things; here is what I’ve learned about our two candidates (just in case you are wondering)
Joe Biden:
Tall (Herman Munster height)
Rambles on
Always squints like he’s sitting on the can or something…
Nice tie.
Sarah Palin:
Tina Fey plays her better.
Hockey mom,Yet still has all her teeth.
Looks like Mrs. Lisner
Talks like the sheriff in the movie Fargo yea, ya betcha I do!
Has breasts.
Well now you know who I’m voting for…well actually I am still undecided to go with the team of Captain squinty eyes and the guy that does the voiceovers for Colt 45 Malt Liquor or the Mccain-a-saurus who actually signed the declaration of independence and his running mate Skin-a-max librarian Hot Sarah….decisions will need to be made I suggest that we just call up England and tell them that we were just kidding about that whole independence thing and could we come over for a tic….
Anyway I promise not to hack the voting machines when it’s time to vote….I was actually thinking of bringing a micro recorder of shower sounds and wear shorts under my pants and sneak in a towel and a loofer sponge so when I go into the voting booth and close the half height curtain behind me I’d turn on my shower sounds take off the pants and throw the towel over the top of the curtain and start singing my shower songs…..just to mess with the other voters.
Last time I voted As soon as I closed the curtain I said in a loud voice “Forgive me Father. For I have Sinned, it’s been 20 years since my last Confession…..Father? Father? Father O’Malley Are you there?
And on we roll……
It’s good to be the Morty
Sunday, October 12, 2008
gourmet burger and chips and crackin' toast!
Blog #8
Oh my gawd I feel sooo much better! I swear I felt like I wanted to die! Food poisoning or something along those lines I tend to eat at some pretty decent places….This wasn’t one of those places; I went to Good Stuff Eatery on Penn and 3rd SE to try it out. If you are a fan of Top Chef then you’ll recognize the chef as being one Spike Mendelssohn (sp?) It’s basically Burger and Fries…ahem, Gourmet Burger and Fries….Ahem, Ahem sorry one of my new friends is Ms. Lynch all the way from across the pond in England, Gourmet Burger and Chips…..there, everybody happy? Good! Moving on shall we, Actually the only other English phrase I know is “crackin’ toast”…what the hell does that mean? Patricia, (Friend from France) do they have the same sayings in France? I mean can’t you just go down to the waters edge and yell over “Bonjour, you silly Brits what in the Napoleon is crackin Toast?....Eh? Then do the cool French laugh and stomp off back to the cheese store.
Wha? I don’t know I was sick. Any who, The burger was ok but the fries were a bit off , They got fried twice, oooo like Belgian fries but then they were smothered in dry Rosemary, Thyme and Pepper (Yes, I know it sounds like a Simon and Garfunkel song) They were quite tasty especially when paired with a chipotle mayo I just think it had too much spice on them….Eh, Yes, may I have some shrubbery on my chips please? K? Thx love.
Anyway, I’m feeling much better and made buttjacks today and bacon….ok, I’ll tell you, Buttjacks are when you put two pancakes to close together in the pan at the same time and they kinda combine to make one with a big crease in the middle…..think of the visual, there ya go. And no buttcakes is just nasty sounding.
Oh and before I get going and rest my noggin’ In November, I forget the day...there will be a women’s Roller Derby match at the Armory here in DC. Tickets at 4 bout begins at 5, next year I want to try out to be a ref and the name I would go with is Snaps Provolone……extra points for anyone who can tell me the name of the movie it’s from and who played the lead character….without Goggling it…or yahoo…or mozilla….or Cuil…..or Chrome….or whatever
More later,
Morty
Next time Hickies and Was-bunds
Oh my gawd I feel sooo much better! I swear I felt like I wanted to die! Food poisoning or something along those lines I tend to eat at some pretty decent places….This wasn’t one of those places; I went to Good Stuff Eatery on Penn and 3rd SE to try it out. If you are a fan of Top Chef then you’ll recognize the chef as being one Spike Mendelssohn (sp?) It’s basically Burger and Fries…ahem, Gourmet Burger and Fries….Ahem, Ahem sorry one of my new friends is Ms. Lynch all the way from across the pond in England, Gourmet Burger and Chips…..there, everybody happy? Good! Moving on shall we, Actually the only other English phrase I know is “crackin’ toast”…what the hell does that mean? Patricia, (Friend from France) do they have the same sayings in France? I mean can’t you just go down to the waters edge and yell over “Bonjour, you silly Brits what in the Napoleon is crackin Toast?....Eh? Then do the cool French laugh and stomp off back to the cheese store.
Wha? I don’t know I was sick. Any who, The burger was ok but the fries were a bit off , They got fried twice, oooo like Belgian fries but then they were smothered in dry Rosemary, Thyme and Pepper (Yes, I know it sounds like a Simon and Garfunkel song) They were quite tasty especially when paired with a chipotle mayo I just think it had too much spice on them….Eh, Yes, may I have some shrubbery on my chips please? K? Thx love.
Anyway, I’m feeling much better and made buttjacks today and bacon….ok, I’ll tell you, Buttjacks are when you put two pancakes to close together in the pan at the same time and they kinda combine to make one with a big crease in the middle…..think of the visual, there ya go. And no buttcakes is just nasty sounding.
Oh and before I get going and rest my noggin’ In November, I forget the day...there will be a women’s Roller Derby match at the Armory here in DC. Tickets at 4 bout begins at 5, next year I want to try out to be a ref and the name I would go with is Snaps Provolone……extra points for anyone who can tell me the name of the movie it’s from and who played the lead character….without Goggling it…or yahoo…or mozilla….or Cuil…..or Chrome….or whatever
More later,
Morty
Next time Hickies and Was-bunds
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Explaining my R1-R5 + RB rating system
Blog # 7
Hmmmm... before I go any further with these blogs.
I should explain my R1-5+RB rating system.
I base it on the Rocky movies we all know and love If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you should probably leave this blog right now…..go ahead I’ll wait…. Are they gone? Somebody go check and lock the door, K? Thx.
The Rocky rating system is how I am feeling at any given moment:
Rocky 1 or R1 = Tired, lethargic, just getting started.
Rocky 2 or R2 = Much more awake kicking booty.
Rocky 3 or R3 = Definitely awake, hitting on all cylinders.
Rocky 4 or R4 = Proud to be an American. Sing it James Brown!…Nuff said
Rocky 5 or R5 = This one blows, I’m off game, can’t collect my thoughts.
Rocky Balboa or RB = This will be on the last blog because it kind of wraps everything up.
So today I am R2!
Hmmmm... before I go any further with these blogs.
I should explain my R1-5+RB rating system.
I base it on the Rocky movies we all know and love If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you should probably leave this blog right now…..go ahead I’ll wait…. Are they gone? Somebody go check and lock the door, K? Thx.
The Rocky rating system is how I am feeling at any given moment:
Rocky 1 or R1 = Tired, lethargic, just getting started.
Rocky 2 or R2 = Much more awake kicking booty.
Rocky 3 or R3 = Definitely awake, hitting on all cylinders.
Rocky 4 or R4 = Proud to be an American. Sing it James Brown!…Nuff said
Rocky 5 or R5 = This one blows, I’m off game, can’t collect my thoughts.
Rocky Balboa or RB = This will be on the last blog because it kind of wraps everything up.
So today I am R2!
Old Candies, Tangent ride and I had a cute ass
Blog #6
Does anyone remember rock candy? Or sugar buttons? What about Garbage pail kids trading cards? Bit-O-Honey? Boston Baked Beans or even Razzles? What about the fake cigarettes and the multi colored cigars made of gum? What about fartyfarts? (whoops sorry that’s my nickname after one to many burritos at Don Pablos).
Where are those candies? I want them back! And, I don’t want to to go to some specialty website of foo foo candystore to get them either! It seems to me that M&M Mars has gotten way too big and is now monopolizing the sugared aisles that were near and dear to me growing up….
Hang on; we’re going on a tangent ride….
It was the aisle that when you were little and sat in the cool basket right next to the handle where mom would push the shopping cart up and down the aisles and she would always skip that one aisle that held the stairway to Mecca made out of Licorice whips, Laffy Taffy and Bottlecaps. I mean sure she would give the aisle the official cursorily glance and say “Nope don’t need anything down there” and quickly move onto the next aisle.
Now I know why you sit facing backwards in those shopping carts, no matter how fast you whip your little head around you could never get it fast enough to see eye to eye with the pixy stix display, instead you’re staring at the Alpo section…liver flavor. (Mental note why do they always put the pet food or toilet paper aisle on either side of the candy aisle? Those weenie heads!)
Have you ever noticed that all of those shopping carts when we were growing up were always so snug that you had to be a contortionist to get in and out of them? I finally figured out the reason why, If I could escape out of my little Attica prison when my mom wasn’t looking I would jump out of the seat and into the big cart tossing out all the foods that I can’t pronounce or had the word “lima” in them. I would proudly clear out the big cart to make room for the necessities in life: You know, Quisp cereal, and anything with coco or puffs in the name, and me being the rambunctious kid I was would empty a box of King Vitamin cereal place the empty box on my head like a crown pick up the loaf of wonder bread place it under my little arm like a bagpipe give it a big squeeze and make bagpipe sounds with my mouth while at the same time with my free hand I would unsheathe my Baguette from it’s bag and yell to no one in particular “For God and Country, Charge!” and do the wiggle dance where you try to make the cart move by gyrating your body…..of course as soon as I heard my mother I would scramble my mischievous little (yet cute) ass back up and over into that little seat as fast as I could!
I leave you with this over the years many a butt has sit in those seats….now where do you put your fresh fruits and veggies….makes ya think doesn’t it?
R2
Next up Morty gives himself a roller derby name
Morty
Does anyone remember rock candy? Or sugar buttons? What about Garbage pail kids trading cards? Bit-O-Honey? Boston Baked Beans or even Razzles? What about the fake cigarettes and the multi colored cigars made of gum? What about fartyfarts? (whoops sorry that’s my nickname after one to many burritos at Don Pablos).
Where are those candies? I want them back! And, I don’t want to to go to some specialty website of foo foo candystore to get them either! It seems to me that M&M Mars has gotten way too big and is now monopolizing the sugared aisles that were near and dear to me growing up….
Hang on; we’re going on a tangent ride….
It was the aisle that when you were little and sat in the cool basket right next to the handle where mom would push the shopping cart up and down the aisles and she would always skip that one aisle that held the stairway to Mecca made out of Licorice whips, Laffy Taffy and Bottlecaps. I mean sure she would give the aisle the official cursorily glance and say “Nope don’t need anything down there” and quickly move onto the next aisle.
Now I know why you sit facing backwards in those shopping carts, no matter how fast you whip your little head around you could never get it fast enough to see eye to eye with the pixy stix display, instead you’re staring at the Alpo section…liver flavor. (Mental note why do they always put the pet food or toilet paper aisle on either side of the candy aisle? Those weenie heads!)
Have you ever noticed that all of those shopping carts when we were growing up were always so snug that you had to be a contortionist to get in and out of them? I finally figured out the reason why, If I could escape out of my little Attica prison when my mom wasn’t looking I would jump out of the seat and into the big cart tossing out all the foods that I can’t pronounce or had the word “lima” in them. I would proudly clear out the big cart to make room for the necessities in life: You know, Quisp cereal, and anything with coco or puffs in the name, and me being the rambunctious kid I was would empty a box of King Vitamin cereal place the empty box on my head like a crown pick up the loaf of wonder bread place it under my little arm like a bagpipe give it a big squeeze and make bagpipe sounds with my mouth while at the same time with my free hand I would unsheathe my Baguette from it’s bag and yell to no one in particular “For God and Country, Charge!” and do the wiggle dance where you try to make the cart move by gyrating your body…..of course as soon as I heard my mother I would scramble my mischievous little (yet cute) ass back up and over into that little seat as fast as I could!
I leave you with this over the years many a butt has sit in those seats….now where do you put your fresh fruits and veggies….makes ya think doesn’t it?
R2
Next up Morty gives himself a roller derby name
Morty
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